I thought that this point was particularly interesting:
The presumption is that if a child believes he's smart (having been told so, repeatedly), he won't be intimidated by new academic challenges. The constant praise is meant to be an angel on the shoulder, ensuring that children do not sell their talents short. But a growing body of research and a new study from the trenches of the New York City public school system — strongly suggests it might be the other way around. Giving kids the label of "smart" does not prevent them from underperforming. It might actually be causing it.
The study mentioned went on to demonstrate that children receiving the praise "You must be smart at this" did not handle failure well and had no desire to try things that they perceived were difficult. While children receiving the praise "You must have worked really hard" actually choose to tackle tasks that they perceived to be difficult and improved their score on the test given in the study. I found this to be fascinating.
Also interesting to me was the discussion of self-esteem.
In 2003 the Association for Psychological Science asked Dr. Roy Baumeister, then a leading proponent of self-esteem, to review this literature. His team concluded that self-esteem research was polluted with awed science. Most of those 15,000 studies asked people to rate their self-esteem and then asked them to rate their own intelligence, career success, relationship skills, etc. These self-reports were extremely unreliable, since people with high self-esteem have an inflated perception of their abilities. Only 200 of the studies employed a scientifically-sound way to measure self-esteem and its outcomes. After reviewing those 200 studies, Baumeister concluded that having high self-esteem didn't improve grades or career achievement. It didn't even reduce alcohol usage. And it especially did not lower violence of any sort. (Highly aggressive, violent people happen to think very highly of themselves, debunking the theory that people are aggressive to make up for low self-esteem.)
What is even more interesting is that they went on to tie the idea of self-esteem to parental pride. That much of the appeal of using general exaggerated praise to build self esteem is that in praising one’s children you are indirectly praising yourself.
Sincerity of praise is also an issue. Kids are smart. Sometime around the age of seven they begin to recognize when praise is exaggerated or empty. The research presented in the article shows that older children that continually hear insincere praise eventually begin to discount all praise, whether sincere or not.
The article I linked to is a little long, but I hope you take the time to read and then share your thoughts about it. I would be very interested in all of your insights on the issues presented. Even if you don’t feel like reading the article, I would still love to hear your philosophy on how best to praise children and build feelings of self worth without creating a narcissist.
I think I read part of this the other day on FB when someone posted an article. Something to think more about. I personally think you should lift up your kids and tell them when they do a good job beacause I also know there are many times I am correcting them and unhappy with their actions. They need their confidence to be promoted because I don't think the "world" is going to do this. With all that humility should be taught and challanges presented to them.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't punished for failing as long as I showed that I had given my all. I know others that no matter what they did there was always a better way it could have been done....if they got a 99 well then they should have gotten a 100.
Hope I didn't say too much. This is just my opinion and I too will be interested in what others have to say.
I would be interested in knowing the difference or even if they looked into the differences between boys and girls. I think girls especially now days when they have such challenges of modesty and everything else I can not imagin that telling a girl on a regular basis that she deserves the best and to never settle for less than she deserves is a bad thing.
ReplyDeleteMy mom and dad always rewarded us when we did things like at the end of the year if we made 'A' honor roll all year we would get $5.00 as a reward. It was not easy and it took all long time to earn but it taught us from a young age to work had at something and give it all you got. At the same time though every child is different so I am not really sure that what is good for one child is maybe bad for another. What a good thing to think about though.
Leah, I think you bring up an important point about NOT expecting perfection. I think that parents need to have realistic expectations for their children. I think that the authors approach, to praise effort rather than the talent is one way to teach that. When kids understand that what we are expecting from them is that they try their hardest I think they really will.
ReplyDeleteMandy you bring up a some really good things. I'm not sure that as far as the challenge of modesty goes that girls should be treated differently than boys. Sometimes I think we expect higher standards of moral cleanliness from girls and not boys. I think they should be held to the same high standard. And to be honest, I think that the very best way to help them hold themselves to high standards is to help them understand what great worth they are in the sight of God. That they are literally His spirit children. I think individual worth goes way beyond simple self-esteem. It is so much more.
You also brought up rewards. In a different article, the authors mentioned that rewards are definitely positive things. And just like your parents taught, rewards should be something you really WORK for. Rewards shouldn't be given constantly because then they really don't mean as much.
Wow, our parents really knew what they were doing!
I think that there is no exact method. Each child is different. For instance, Haley does not have a problem with self-esteem. I try to teach her humility and modesty, while at the same time showing more praise for intellectual or spiritaul attributes or acheivements. She is embarassed by her speech, so that is something that I want her to build confidence in.
ReplyDeleteBreanna on the other hand, struggles more with her self-esteem. She doesn't really see anything special about herself. So, I try to encourage her and show her the beauty I see in her. She does know that she is really smart though, so I try to emphasize that that doesn't make her any better than her peers. She knows that I am more impressed when she completes something that is challenging to her than if she gets a 100 on a spelling test for the 300th time.
I don't really believe that there is a right or a wrong way. Well, there definitely are wrong ways, but you know what I mean. You just have to pray for each child individually. We all want our children to know their value and worth, but at the same time, we don't want them to be cocky. I think a lot of that will be learned from how we treat about ourselves. If they hear us criticize ourselves all of the time and talk negatively, then what do expect them to treat themselves like?
Sorry for the rant - I'm not even sure if I answered what you were asking. I think I went off track. Oh well!
One thing that I do want to share is something that Elder Holland said a few years ago that I always remember. You probably remember too. He said that you should never praise one child differently in front of the other. For example, if I were to tell Haley that she was so pretty and then turn to Breanna and tell her that she was so smart. Elder Holland said that the only thing that Haley would remember is that she wasn't smart and Breanna would remember that she wasn't pretty.
Something that I try to avoid!
Kim, I agree. I absolutely think that children are so individual and your approach to how you talk with them has to be taylored to them. But I think that the author's premis to imphasize praise based on effort rather than innate ability can easily be taylored to the indvidual child. In fact I think it is designed to be taylored to the child.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the reminder about the quote from Elder Holland. It really is crazy how sensitive kids are. Just the other day, Mandy was being really silly and I said, "Mandy, you're so funny." Dallin immediately asked, "Mom, am I really funny too?" Because I said something that he perceived as praise to Mandy, he felt that he needed praise as well and wanted to be on the same standing as Mandy.
One of my many struggles with my kids is trying to figure out how to teach them not to compare themselves to others. That they have great worth in an of themselves. You can say that to them, but it doesn't seem to matter. They still compare themselves to others. How do you all deal with that? I guess I really struggle with teaching them that because I constantly do it myself. I compare myself to others all the time. Not out loud in front of my kids of course, but in my mind I do it all the time.
I completely agree with praising effort rather than innate ability! Absolutely!
ReplyDeleteAs far as the kids comparing themselves to others...if there is a sure-fire way to get them to stop that - LET ME KNOW! I haven't really noticed my kids doing that, but anticipate that it will happen in their teenage years. Maybe you could concentrate some FHEs on that subject for a while. There has got to be some great object lesson ideas out there. It might end up helping you out as well ;) Since you still don't seem to see how fabulous you are!
I've always been a big fan of Dr. William Sears. He and his wife (who is a BSN) have written a series of books that I've really counted on during the time I've been a parent.
ReplyDeleteHe's a little too granola-crunchy for some people, but I like his underlying parenting philosophy which basically boils down to if a child knows and feels that they are loved unconditionally then this will give them the confidence they need to TRY and the comfort they need if they FAIL.
I read their book The Successful CHild about eight years ago or so, and I really, really loved it. A lot of the suggestions made in the book I enacted way back then, and I can see those dividends paying off *now*.
The girls were 3 1/2 and 2 at the time, and James was going to school during the day and working at night, so I often felt overwhelmed as the "single parent". I was around kids all day at preschool, and sometimes I felt like I just couldn't take it anymore.
But the book pointed out that those are the times when our children need us the most (both the age they were at, as well as a streesul family situation) and spending time with them *then* will help them later in life with security and confidence and all that stuff.
Now that the girls are older and branching out a bit and pulling away from us (in a good way!) I'm so glad that I put in all that extra time way back then. I think my girls are confident and secure in who they are, and they aren't afraid to try new things because they know they have a solid foundation back at home.
I don't know if this really addresses your thoughts, but I've enjoyed reading what everyone else has said!
Kim - if you come across any great family home evenings about that, be sure to pass them along!
ReplyDeleteJennifer - I haven't read the book that you mentioned, but I have read quite a few other parenting articles by Dr. Sears and I like what I've read. Maybe I'll go see if I can find that book and give it a read.
When you say that you put in "extra time" with them, what exactly do you mean? Did you purposefully do structured activities or simply join in un-structured play with them? I feel like I'm with them all the time, but I also feel like sometimes I seperate myself from them through trying to work at my job or do housework or something else. What types of time investments with them did you find to be the most worthwhile?
My mother-in-law made a comment at my neice's birthday party about how confident little girls were (although I think it could apply to boys as well) but then when they hit their teens their self-esteem drops to nothing. Obviously her observation is anecdotal, but I'm sure all of us have either experienced the lack of confidence as a teenager personally or seen it in a youth that we have worked with. I wonder why that happens? And how do you prevent it? Or is it something that kids just go through? I feel like my parents loved me unconditionally, but I still went through it.
Looking back, Katheryn, I'd say that we were just together as family a *lot*. We lived in a pretty rural area, so there weren't any neighborhood kids to play with. We were at preschool together (even though they were in they own classes and I was teaching mine). If I had to run errands they went with me. We occasionally had playdates with friends, but they were never our focus. What we did was mostly with family.
ReplyDeleteWhen you spend that much time with your kids, you get to know them pretty well, and you learn to see what they *need* (both emotionally and physically) pretty quickly, and I think it makes it easier to determine the difference between their needs and their wants.
Now, this isn't to say that ALL my energy went into them, because it certainly didn't. Having two so close together made them built in playmates, and that certainly helped. But I've never felt that I was my children's entertainment committee. I would try to include them in the things I needed to do (cleaning, cooking, errands, etc) and we did trips to the park and stuff like that. But most playtime was unstructured- I would scrapbook or read and they would play, but we would all be in our playroom together.
It also helped that we had a pretty structured bedtime routine. Dinner, clean up, baths, reading for awhile and then bedtime for them by 7 pm was absolutely necessary for *my sanity*. The hour or so of baths and then reading helped us all calm down and have time together at the end of the day.
Even now we still turn off the TV about a 30 minutes to and hour before their bedtime so they can read, draw, whatever. As they are getting older I'm finding that that's the time when they just want to talk to us, and it's great!
I also think that we've tried hard to impress on them that we are a FAMILY first and foremost, and being a strong family is the most important thing, period. We do that by being together, helping and supporting each other. If one of us is weak, we are all weak (if that makes any sense).
The upshot of all of this is that whatever the world throws at them self-esteem wise, I *think* we'll be able to deal with it as parents because we know them so well. At least I hope we will! ;)
This is all kind of rambling I know, but I do highly recommend Dr.Sears' book. I don't take everything he says as the gospel truth, but he has some pretty solid ideas and techniques that I really like and that have worked.
I think that's what we do. I hope that's what we do. Nathan jokes that "every night is family night". But you know, there is always that nagging fear that maybe I'm not doing enough.
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